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School Lunch Box Tips from Real Mums

The school year has kicked off and we’re settling into the year. Or not. Either way, you’re probably noticing a bunch of “School Lunch Box Ideas” notes coming home, emails in your inbox and posters at various child related institutes.

Argh! We’re being bombarded.

Never fear! Real Mums is here to help you to decipher the plethora of information, and to stop you beating yourself over the head because you’re unable to produce a homemade yogurt prepared with Tibetan yak milk and organically grown strawberries from your very own backyard.

Anyhoo … some suggestions we have received, and our Tips to help you save time, money and effort …

• Dice some fruit and slide it onto a wooden skewer – this makes fruit “fun” and “interesting”.

Real Mums Says: This amounts to making a fruit kebab thing on a pointy stick. Pointy stick things become weapons of mass destruction when placed in the hands of school-aged boys. This is not only "fun" but also makes things "interesting". You will be called into the principals office in no time

• Add grapes, banana “coins” (this involves pealing and slicing a banana and adding it to the lunchbox) or berries to the lunchbox. Include a toothpick because spearing them is fun!

Real Mums Says: see previous Tip regarding pointy stick things. Also, if your child is not capable of pulling grapes from the stem or pealing and biting a banana, then perhaps they’re not quite ready for school.

• Kids love sushi rolls in their lunchbox. They’re also healthy. And you’ll look like some Domestic Goddess and be the envy of all other playground Mums.

Real Mums Says: They also contain sticky bits of rice. Sticky bits of rice stick. To everything. You will find bits of rice in your washing machine for the next 23 years. This is also important to note if you should ever be insane enough to attempt to make them yourself. You will have bits of rice stuck in your hair and on body parts like your bottom when you go to school. Buy them. And grab yourself some sake while you’re there.

• Thinly slice vegetables, such as carrot, cucumber and capsicum, and wrap it in mountain bread.

Real Mums Says: Yup, spend hours chopping carrot and cucumber into teensy matchsticks, otherwise known as julienne (but now we’re) just showing off) only to have them all fall out during lunch. Kids are incapable of eating without spillage; thinly cut vegetable pieces in some sort of wrap increases spillage by 88%

• Add some bite sized vegetable pieces or carrot sticks, and a separate container of hommus or tzatziki dip.

Real Mums Says: Because there is nothing more fun than spending your afternoon attempting to wipe dips from school books, important notes, school jumpers and the very insides of the school bags themselves.

• Instead of bread, try bagels, crackers, pita bread or pikelets.

Real Mums Says: What’s wrong with bread? Of course, you could also siphon more savings from your shoe fund into the purchase of rolls with holes in them, or get up 3 hours earlier to whip up some tasty pikelets that you’ll never get to appreciate yourself. Nor will anyone else appreciate your efforts.

• Add leftover dinner from the previous night to their lunchbox.

Real Mums Says: Despite kids loving spaghetti bolognaise, having it for lunch is uncool and revolting cold. It also doesn’t come out of the front of school uniforms very well.

And our favourite suggestion of all time:

• Give them a surprise by cutting their Vegemite sandwich into different shapes with a cookie cutter.

Real Mums Says: Do NOT, under any circumstance, do this! In fact, we highly recommend you only ever cut their sandwiches in one way, and one way only. From birth. Different shape options means disaster:

1. You will have to include an extra question in your morning routine; “What shape would you like this morning?”. The answer “Oh, I’ll have stars today. No, I want triangles. NO I WANT A RABBIT SHAPE!”
2. If you decide to surprise with a new shape, or you invariably forget and automatically resort to the standard 4 little triangles cuttage, you will get “I WANTED ELEPHANTS TODAY. I HATE YOU. I’M NEVER GOING TO SCHOOL AGAIN!”

Real Mums leaves you with this final Tip: If they are hungry enough they’ll eat it.

Besides which, you are not Isabella’s mum (unless you are) and if you wanted a firm bum like hers you’d just go out and get it, thank you very much. Oh, and because you’re not her, you don’t make the same things she does.

Written by Mad Cow - founder of fluff free reality parenting website realmums.com.au, and mother of three boys, two of whom attend school because the thought of them staying at home all day sends her into a foetal like position. A week of making school lunches taught her well. She has remained sane by following the above principles. She trusts you will, too. Remain sane, that is.

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